A:
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Marriage counseling is really different from individual counseling. In
individual counseling the person is seen by themselves usually and the focus is
on the intrapsychic issues, that is their thinking, their feelings, and their
own issues. In marital counseling, the focus is on the system or "the
dance" that they do. We see the "marriage" as "the client," rather than
two individuals. The sum is greater than each of the parts. Couples
come to therapy usually with some kind of communication block. Hurt,
frustration, distrust and continuous arguments can cause a couple to seek
counseling.
The therapist helps them identify the type of dance that they do. They
do the dance unconsciously. One may over-function, while the other
under-functions. Or is it that the under-functioning one causes the other
to over-function. Systems theory answers with, "yes." They both
influence each other rather than "cause" the problem. The dance itself is
the problem. They might be headed for separation and divorce, and see the
other as "the problem." Little do they realize that they are taking their
part of the dance with them. Without help, they are very likely to get
into the same kind of dance, just with a different dancing partner. Once
they identify their part in the dance, the therapist helps them make conscious
changes in the pattern. If one gets more angry than the other, then they
might try to switch their roles a little. One may feel 150% of the anger
while the other only feels 50%. They could work together to channel their
anger into making constructive changes rather than take it out on each other.
Then the therapist helps them stabilize the new pattern. This is why
marital therapy usually takes a 3-4 month commitment to see real change.
Of course, people don't commit until they have established a rapport with the
therapist and have decided for themselves that this is the course of treatment
for them.
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