Money Issues
Addiction rarely affects our lives without affect our pocketbooks. Some of
us spend money on our addiction and some of us just spent money. The
unmanageability of any addiction takes away from reality, away from the
pressures of life. The compulsive debtor, spender or under-earning has
issues with money. If fact, who doesn't. Money may represent power,
love, self worth, and connection. We may overspend because we feel like we
deserve it--not unlike the compulsive eater, drinker or sex addict. We may
spend to celebrate. We may spend because we need something to cheer
ourselves up.
"Shopping therapy" may not be so
therapeutic when it becomes habitual, unconscious and moving us away from a
budget or spending plan. Yes, I said it, "budget." What an ugly
word. I have yet to hear it said in a context where people feel good about
it. We typically feel that we would become a slave to the budget.
But the reality is that we become a slave to money, to the lender if we don't
have it. But let's not call it a budget. Let us call it a spending
plan, which is the wording
Debtors Anonymous (DA) uses.
The Debtor's Slide Video
Two Types of Addiction
There are two
basic kinds of addiction -- Process and Substance.
Substance
addiction refers to alcoholism, drug abuse and prescription addiction.
It is using a foreign substance and putting into one's body either through
ingestion, inhalation, intravenously or transdermal through the skin, i.e. fetanil patches.
Process addiction refers to behaviors that interact with our
physiology where are mood is altered considerably and we become addicted to the
adrenaline, the serotonin, norepinephrine, endorphins and many other chemicals.
Process addiction include, compulsive overeating/undereating, vomiting,
spending, gambling, working and sexing. One could argue that food is in both
camps, both a process addiction as well as a substance addiction.
How do we know if we have a problem with compulsive debting?
Signs of Compulsive Debting (taken from Debtors Anonymous)
1. Being unclear about your financial situation. Not knowing account
balances, monthly expenses, loan interest rates, fees, fines, or contractual
obligations.
2. Frequently "borrowing" items such as books, pens, or small amounts of money
from friends and others, and failing to return them.
3. Poor saving habits. Not planning for taxes, retirement or other not-recurring
but predictable items, and then feeling surprised when they come due; a "live
for today, don't worry about tomorrow" attitude."
4. Compulsive shopping: Being unable to pass up a "good deal"; making impulsive
purchases; leaving price tags on clothes so they can be returned; not using
items you've purchased.
5. Difficulty in meeting basic financial or personal obligations, and/or an
inordinate sense of accomplishment when such obligations are met.
6. A different feeling when buying things on credit than when paying cash, a
feeling of being in the club, of being accepted, of being grown up.
7. Living in chaos and drama around money: Using one credit card to pay another;
bouncing checks; always having a financial crisis to contend with.
8. A tendency to live on the edge: Living paycheck to paycheck; taking risks
with health and car insurance coverage; writing checks hoping money will appear
to cover them.
9. Unwarranted inhibition and embarrassment in what should be a normal
discussion of money.
10. Overworking or underearning: Working extra hours to earn money to pay
creditors; using time inefficiently; taking jobs below your skill and education
level.
11. An unwillingness to care for and value yourself: Living in self-imposed
deprivation; denying your basic needs in order to pay your creditors.
12. A feeling or hope that someone will take care of you if necessary, so that
you won't really get into serious financial trouble, that there will always be
someone you can turn to.
If any of these signs seem to fit, you might benefit by looking into recovery
from spending addiction. Many of us have some of these traits, but the
more you have, the more likely it is to be a problem.
Vagueness
Being unsure of where one stands
financially bring financial instability, unpredictability and chaos. But
to the "compulsive debtor," the vagueness spells relief. Mail and bills
remains unopened. Borrowing more money brings a false sense of security.
The nature of any addiction is about
numbness and escape. When spending, debting, hording, or excessive
frugality is extreme, it can move us away from our inner feelings. We may
spend when we are sad, mad or scared. We may be afraid of what lies ahead.
We may be afraid of the financial mess and so we avoid it by more spending.
They only way we knew to be free of it was to spend more.
Tracking our numbers is a way to
avoid the vagueness and the fantasy. Just like the compulsive overeater
who eats more calories than they expend, the compulsive debtors spends and
borrows more than he/she can afford. A spending plan (Debtors Anonymous)
is very much like a food plan (Overeaters Anonymous). The first sight of
one usually terrifies us and we feel ashamed that we don't have limits.
In driving, there are limits to what
we can do. We might call them rules, but limits might be more appropriate.
The are speed limits, yellow lines and white lines. There are stop lights,
go lights and yellow lights. Each of the these limits is there for our
safety and helps us get to our destination. If we decide to ignore the
lines we might drive off the side of the road or worse hit another vehicle.
We not only injure ourselves, but others. We may go to fast or too slow.
We need to yield to other drivers.
In recovery from compulsive debting/underearning,
we have limits. We find that it works best if we set the limits with
guidance from others. It typically does not work to have other's impose
limits on us, but if we work together with a therapist, trusted friend, someone
good with money or another DA member, we will find that limits are wonderful
things. It helps us get to where we want to go. Many of us "use" our
drug of choice because it gives us a sense of "freedom." But, we may
honestly ask ourselves, "does it?" Does this really meet my needs at the
deepest level. Many of us feel ashamed of our behaviors. But, it
might be wonderful to take a new look at ourselves, our behaviors and our needs
in a new light. No one recovers very well while beating themselves up.
The pain we cause ourselves by our own thinking can set us up for relapsing on
our drug, in this case, "debting." We come up with a plan to help us stay
on course. "We are not perfect, we are not saints, the point is we are
willing to grow along spiritual and financial lines." (a paraphrase taken from
Alcoholics Anonymous)
The process of recovery is typically
slow. We would like to recovery all at once. Isn't this our problem.
We have trouble waiting. We lack patience. Instead of saving for a
future need or want, we buy on credit. Instant gratification. No
payments until the year 2010. Don't feel too bad. Many are affected
by these ploys, but the compulsive debtor who is ready for recovery understands
that he/she cannot continue the cycle, the vortex of financial destruction.
The Cost of Debting
Physical Illness
Chronic Stress -- since financial
management is so crucial to our needs for survival, we can carry stress deep
within our bodies. It is not until we are relieved from the financial
burden that we realize the load we were carrying.
Distrust in Relationships -- often
we might have spent in secret and hid our purchases so that we would not be
controlled, manipulated or shames by a loved one. The more we hid, the
more distrust we brought to the relationship.
Blaming others -- we blame our
parents, our spouses, our children the government, the insurance companies,
our employers and anyone we can for our financial problems. While they
may have an influence on our finances, we are responsible for the problem.
We didn't want to have the problem, but we have it anyway. There is
hope for us, as we take response-ability. We find a way to respond to
life, rather than perceiving "life as happening on us."
Inability to provide for our
families. Our families might be doing without the things they need
because we have mismanaged our money.
We may have become "time
impoverished." Our time is spending worrying and thinking about money.
We may mismanage our time as well as our money. You have heard the
slogan, "time is money." There is a connection, but it may be more
accurate to say that time is a measure of life we have on this earth.
To waste time is to waste our life. To not have enough time is really
about not getting to do the things we want to do.
Overworking
Sleep Deprivation.
Other Addictions. Some of
us overate to compensate for feelings in deprivation.
Bad Credit and High Interest
rates
Poor Health Care
Lack of Peace
Desperation, Inspiration and
Perspiration (DIP)
Saying "No" to ourselves.
Saying "Yes" to ourselves.
We have trouble saying "no" to
ourselves. We told ourselves that we would going to let it happen again --
as if we were not responsible, but "it" happened. We learned that we were
the ones getting ourselves into debt. This we a disease we we had
"perceived" control of our lives, just to find out we were the one's being
controlled, by the media, the merchandisers and the banks. We had trouble
saying "no" to friends who need money, charities and collectors who wanted all
the money now. Being "all or nothing" thinkers we didn't consider a
payment plan an option. It would be too painful. Our pride wouldn't
let us make a $5 dollar payment, nor could we be honest about the exact nature
of our finances, because we felt that they reflected our self worth.
Because we couldn't say "no" to
ourselves, we couldn't say "yes" either. We weren't able to take care of
our basic needs. We felt guilty when we bought something for ourselves.
Our self worth was in the bottom of the barrel. We felt that we needed to
earn other's love and that we were not enough. Our debt made it difficult
to say "yes" to God's plan or yes to even the plans we had. We were stuck
in the vortex.
This chilling letter from the disease of alcoholism and drug
addiction wakes the addict up to the damage addiction causes and the battle that
takes place in recovery.
